In Every Life I Choose You: A Love Letter to Los Angeles
“This town is fake but you’re the real thing”
—Clara Bow by Taylor Swift
I’ve come to realize how much living in Los Angeles my whole life has influenced the way that I am. This city is built on smoke and mirrors, a silver screen fantasy, the hope and possibility of a glamorous lifestyle made up of red carpets and spotlights. Anyone who lives here knows none of that is real, and yet, I’ve spent most of my life holding out for that feeling, most especially hoping that a relationship would sweep me off my feet, that I’d live my own Hollywood romance worthy of a cinematic fairytale. But when you hold out for something that isn’t real, reality doesn’t live up to the way you envisioned things happening in your mind. Maybe that’s why I haven’t found love. Maybe that’s why every time I’ve been close to it I let it go, waiting for something that doesn’t exist.
And yet, while LA is considered the city of constant reinvention, lacking culture and history like New York has, there’s something about this city that keeps me here. As I get older, I’m trying to find a better balance of romanticizing life and seeing the beauty in things while also not living in a fantasy, because holding out for something that doesn’t exist doesn’t make that thing come true—-it just keeps you away from really living.
LA, whatever the critics might say, is the only place in the world that feels like home to me. It’s where I’ve lived my whole life, where my family lives, where most of my friends still reside, where I went to college, and where, despite the traffic that frustrates me, I feel that possibilities are everywhere. I’ve learned more about myself lately, mainly that I crave a simple life balanced with excitement, a combination of drinking my coffee slowly each morning and anticipating adventures ahead like concerts and publishing books and discovering all there is to see in California because even though I’ve lived here my whole life there’s still so much to explore.
After returning from New York and reflecting on how it felt like the flip side of the coin that is LA, I grasped more of what it means to be rooted in reality, to still romanticize life and seek beauty while also being honest about what’s real in this world. I knew very quickly while exploring NYC that I was made for LA, that even though there’s traffic it’s nothing like Manhattan’s tight lanes and subway stations. Neither one of them is good or bad or better than the other. It’s a matter of what I like more, and for me, I’m an LA girl through and through. I love my palm trees, beaches, mountains, and sunny December skies. I love that the people I love are here. It’s as simple as that.
So I’m not saying I’ll never leave LA, because of course I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know that in order for me to make that decision I’d have to love someone or something more than I love this, and that would be very hard to find. I don’t think I’d ever love a job more than the feeling of home. Everytime my plane lands at LAX I know that to be true. I couldn’t care less what people say, because at the end of the day I work to live, I don’t live to work, so what would be the point of working somewhere that doesn’t give me the joy and love I feel of home?
This town might be fake, but I’m learning to love the real things, to be open to imperfections in both myself and relationships, to not ruminate so much on the mistakes I’ve made, and to brush off the awkwardness in dating and new interactions, because I’d rather live than get lost in fantasies that never exist. Maybe that means living a bit more like a New Yorker while loving and choosing LA.
