Happy, Free, Confused, and Lonely in the Best Way: Reflections on My 22nd Birthday

I’ve been looking forward to this birthday ever since I was a child listening to Taylor Swift when all I could dream about was someday having freedom. I couldn’t wait to be able to dress like an adult, in heels and red lipstick. I would dream of acting center stage on Broadway—acting was (and I have to admit, still is) what I loved most. I wondered how many boyfriends I’d have by the time I was 22. I thought of all the memories I would have already made—high school football games, prom, moving away to go to college, landing the lead role in a movie. I was honestly really scared of growing up, but I would dream of all the possibilities the future held. 

Now, finally reaching my Taylor Swift year, I look back at those ambitions and dreams with a little bit of amusement, a little bit of sadness, but a lot of gratitude for the memories I never expected to make by this point in my life and the friends I never thought I’d find. 22 really is both miserable and magical. 

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I’ve learned so far, what I love, what I regret, and what I still dream of. At first I tried to separate my thoughts into categories of what makes me feel happy, free, confused, and lonely, but I realized they’re all so intertwined. So instead I’m sharing a culminating reflection of such feelings.

Early in high school I listened to all of Taylor’s first six albums. reputation was released during my freshman year, and just a year later I found myself resonating with the feelings of being misunderstood, having severed friendships with childhood friends who I didn’t feel seen or loved by. Flash forward to freshman year of college, and I was suddenly belly laughing with my writing group at Denny’s every Friday morning with never ending cups of coffee. The next year I was watching the sunset over the track field with my best friend. The year after that I was climbing trees after class with my English major friends. And then my senior year, I was living on campus and late nights hosting slumber parties became a norm. 

This year has been one of large milestones for me. I graduated college, crying through the bittersweet goodbyes, spiraled about the job market, went to Italy with my family, suffered many writing and job rejections, then landed a full time job on a Thursday and jumped into a 40 hour work week starting Monday. Through it all, the constant I’m most grateful for is my family and friends. Those lonely nights as a teenager wondering why my dreams of going to prom didn’t come true don’t really happen anymore. I think of all the fun I had dancing Forró for the first time and look forward to my next salsa and bachata class. 

One of the best parts of growing up is discovering agency. I can now choose my friends, choose how I spend my time on the weekends, and choose what I’ll do about it if I’m not living the life I dream of. Some dreams might never come true and I’ll never know why, but the thing that makes me happy is knowing I still have the ability to choose what I do with what I know and to pursue what I love. 

I feel happy for a multitude of reasons. My friends make life magical, and I know they’d be down for breakfast at midnight as the song suggests. My family is loving, supportive of my dreams and aspirations, and pushes me to be my best. I live in a city I love and get to explore beautiful places, try new restaurants, and sing along at concerts. I have a home that is my happy place. 

I don’t always feel free. Let’s be honest, even if we find some fulfillment in our day jobs and enjoy being around the people we work with, other dreams and goals often get moved to the back burner because full time work is so consuming and becomes more important. I’m learning what it means to be okay with not living the life you dream of yet and continuously working toward building the life you want to live. 

I pretty much shared the gist of my biggest confusions thus far. I hope my 11 year old self isn’t disappointed at the number of boyfriends I’ve had so far, or the fact that I’m not an actress, never having proved the mean girls wrong. I’m learning to be okay with not knowing the answers to some of my biggest questions. 

Thankfully, I don’t experience loneliness very often. My first few weeks at my full time job were definitely an adjustment period to say the least, and I longed to go back to the fruitful days of college where everyday I knew I’d see a bunch of my friends. Even though college could be stressful, it was often so lifegiving to know that the things I was working on (English/Humanities/Spanish homework, running a literary journal, writing university articles) refreshed my soul. I’m learning that it is now up to me to find ways to refresh my soul; it’s no longer plated for me in a package I pay for. I get to create it myself. 

If you read this far, thank you so much for taking a peek into my diary. I hope you feel happy and free, and less confused and lonely. Stay romantic <3